Q. How would you describe your experience at Cedar Ridge, (now “Makana, formerly Cedar Ridge”)?
A. “Horrific. Damaging. Left lifelong scars.”
#1. Conversion Therapy & Religious Indoctrination
I was at Cedar Ridge in the early 2000s, before conversion therapy was banned in the state of Utah. Even still, I doubt that these staff actually comply with the law as institutions that detain so-called “troubled teens” are often unregulated and unknown about by state authorities. Conversion therapy, as medical and psychological professionals have overwhelmingly demonstrated, causes significant harm to young people.
At Cedar Ridge, my bisexuality was dismissed and treated as a negative characteristic, a choice, or something that was potentially to be programmed/punished out of me. I’m still queer and proud of it. In therapy, my (unlicensed) therapist attempted to convert me to the LDS faith and constantly made intimate commentary on my body, clothing, and insisted I display LDS-style 'modesty' so I could attract a good husband, as if that was the ultimate goal of my existence. For a time, I was denied religious/spiritual texts other than the Christian/LDS offerings, as the program considered it 'non-working'. I had my own non-Christian beliefs, which were consistently disrespected.
I witnessed friends undergo 'feminization' therapy, where they were forced to wear hyper-feminine clothing and display stereotypical comportment. These were just a few of the so-called “pseudo-therapies” we were subjected to. For instance, Rob Nielson did hypnosis to students mostly with female students who rarely had anyone else in the room. Rob attempted this with me many times. He scared me, as he had me lay down and supposedly re-experience past traumas. Eventually, I refused to go into hypnotherapy without a male peer escort.
#2. Physical & Sexual Assault by Staff
I was sexually assaulted by program staff, during a restraint.
I was sexually assaulted by a male staff member during a violent restraint episode that was unwarranted. This occurred often at Cedar Ridge. A male staff member had an erection while he was on top of me & proceeded to run himself on me as he was restraining me. Only did this stop when another staff member walked into close proximity to us. He was verbally abusive and spoke to me a sexualized and demeaning way. He seemed to get-off on pinning me to the ground while causing me tremendous pain.
I witnessed young people restrained for every sort of reason: often disobedience with the arbitrary rules or being singled out by a staff member. As mentioned earlier, I was restrained often. These sessions, inflicted out of no fault of my own, out of what I imagine to be staff’s pent-up frustrations, caused muscle injury, bruising, and psychological distress. I was demeaned. I was called degrading names. I believe that many staff members thrived on these intimate encounters. It was a seemingly sadistic form of venting.
Cedar Ridge was known for its focus on karate. Karate was used against students by staff violently and maliciously. None of it made sense. I saw my peers violently beaten, no fault of their own without access to medical care for related injuries. These are some of the most traumatic memories that I carry, decades later.
#3. Child Endangerment
At one point in my two year stay at Cedar Ridge, I was forced outside in the elements in the brutal Roosevelt winter. There was a period, spanning the winter months (well into spring), where staff and the owner of Cedar Ridge refused me adequate clothing. I lived outdoors, shoveling compost, isolated from the others, and was only allowed to wear pajamas and socks with sandals. I didn’t always have an appropriate coat for the winter cold as a means of punishment. Temperatures were often in the 12-13 degree range, with significant wind chill. To survive, I dug a hole in the ground.
#4. Isolation & Silencing
During this time, I was placed on 'silence' and forbidden from speaking with students and staff. I spoke to no one for months. I became desperate for social interactions. I was not allowed to speak with my “therapist” either, for weeks on end, especially as I approached the age of 18. At one point, the Nielson’s sent me into a small karate gear storage dome, which had no heating aside from a wooden stove. There was no electricity. There are major gaps in my memory. I was isolated and on-silence from students and staff for months. I felt a soul-crushing level of despair during this time.
#5. Food and Living Conditions
During my time outdoors and in the small geodesic dome (this pre-dated when we built the Isodome), I was forcibly restricted to unseasoned lentils, white rice, and water for all my meals. A random unseasoned bowl of oatmeal felt like a treat. This lasted for months. One of my conditions upon entrance to Cedar Ridge, was an eating disorder. The food restriction was extremely counter-productive to my eating disorder treatment--it eventually caused me to relapse. This is just one way that Cedar Ridge caused more harm than good.
#6. Medical Abuse
Upon arriving at Cedar Ridge, they did not review my medications from my previous program or life at home, and instead, had me put me on new (and entirely unnecessary) medications. Unfortunately, I wasn’t allowed to see an actual physician. I am a trained healthcare worker today. Any healthcare worker would be able to know to check if new medications were contraindicated to the old ones. As a result, I had a severe negative reaction that involved high blood pressure, nausea, sweating, painful muscle cramps, breathing difficulties, disorientation, severe dizziness, abdominal pain, elevated heart rate, panic attacks, hallucinations, blurred vision, etc. Not at any point did a staff member take me to seek medical care.
I experienced being highly over-medicated while at Cedar Ridge (now known as Makana, Formerly Cedar Ridge) and even though I begged staff to review my medications and taper them down, I had zero control over my body. Some of the medication names were hidden from me. I, like the majority of girls at Cedar Ridge, was forced onto birth control despite not being sexually active.
My overmedicated symptoms were so severe I was sedated, drooled, had trouble with basic tasks like completing school work, wet the bed at night, and had severe sleep walking and talking episodes almost nightly, that I had no memory of. They often resulted in additional punishment.
The other girls at Cedar Ridge had very intense sleep disturbances too. One was punished for kicking the walls as she slept. Some screamed during the nights. Sleep was difficult. Staff flashed lights in our eyes at night. Others woke us up by banging on pots and pans or blaring Cat Stevens or Blues Traveler, or one of the few CDs that were approved by the program. When I was caught sleep walking, I was often punished for it even with no memory of what I had done. The staff would mock me each morning for conversations & sleep talking episodes they reported I had had with them during the night.
In a moment of utter distress & desperation, I attempted suicide on Cedar Ridge property, and staff did not take me to seek medical care. They severely punished me instead (which included attack therapy just minutes after bandaging me up).
These are just a few reasons why I am speaking out. No child deserves to be abandoned in a teen program in Roosevelt, Utah.